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Dark Funeral: Vobiscum Satanas

Here it is!!!! Top ten reasons why you should stay the hell away from the new album by the most colorful band of the cheesier Swedish black metal! As seen on the tonight show.

  1. Own any of the recent Marduk albums? Familiar with their style? Then get yourself a photocopy of the cover for Vobiscum Satanas, and play those Marduk tunes while staring at the cover blankly!
  2. Ever mistaken an uninsired band for a band that is too brutal to even think of introducing some variety in their songs? If not, then it won't happen here either.
  3. Been noticing that all No Fashion bands sound like "all too samey"? Vobiscum Satanas will serve as a proof for your conspiracy theory quite nicely.
  4. Did you know that cloning technology has been stolen by the evil Swedish black metal trolls? Dark Funeral were one of their first victims... But again, they are not the last ones either.
  5. Happen to own a copy of their self-titled debut? Again use a suggestion from No.1 and play it in loops until you puke. Then go to sleep for an hour and repeat until you feel like going on a killing spree at Metal Blade's office!
  6. Play Vobiscum Satanas to your friends and see if they can tell the songs apart after 20 spins. If anyone of them claims so, beat them with a baseball bat, 'cos they are obviously full of shit.
  7. Ever tried "an unholy black metal lyrics generator"? If so, then you won't be wondering how Dark Funeral come up with their lyrics. Yes, they did purchase a license for 4 users.
  8. Scared to see for yourself what a lack of veggies in one's diet can lead to? Then stay away from the band pictures. But then again, you may wonder what is the ratio between the time spent on writing the actual songs and putting on make-up for the promo shots.
  9. Think that you have already heard the dumbest black metal song title? Dark Funeral have taken the cake this time with the song titles like "Enriched by Evil" and "Slava Satan" (or "Long Live Satan" in translation). It doesn't get any more idiotic than this.
  10. Still unwilling to admit that black metal has become just as stale of a trend as death metal was 5 years ago? Then run and hide, for Vobiscum Satanas is coming to all of your local K-Marts and Best Buy stores.

Added: January 1st 2004
Reviewer: SoT Archives
Hits: 3712
Language: english

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